I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, with white skin, and one of my specialties is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (I am not a specialist in anti-racism and oppression work). As you read this, we are stepping into a missing links analysis of conversations about race among white-to-white people, and then problem solving a missing link. I am aware that this might be oversimplifying the conditions, however I am wanting to be concise and I am incredibly open to this discussion evolving.
While observing and participating in discussions regarding racism between a white person stating “all lives matter” to another white person stating “black lives matter”, I am noticing that as advocates we are missing something in the discussions. There can be all the concise, informative, amazing information available and accessible, yet there is a barrier to change in perspective. We need to tackle this barrier as a collective. So what do we need to change to increase the likely hood of the advancement of anti-racism? I believe emotions are affecting willingness due to growing up in the environment of racism and not being taught how to face the shame from discussing and dismantling our racism.
Deep systemic White Supremacy messages are muddying the path of understanding. The United States culture values independence rather than collective, white over black skin, rich over poor (the root of this is many other complex conversations, more than I know) and there is the message of “I” as an individual disconnected to “us” in relationship. There are also hierarchical messages of competition hidden and implanted (again, more than I know), that if someone communicates information to change someone’s mind, it is interpreted that the communicator is saying you are weak, or wrong, or not smart. It is then culturally enforced for the receiver to push away views. And with that push away, fragility occurs from not talking about things and not connecting to these topics.
This is what I want to highlight: I see that there is lack of knowledge on the part of white people in how to effectively move through difficult emotions that occur upon initially facing topics of racism, our actions, our unconscious biases, and yep – we were wrong.
We have (at least) three emotions that result from these circumstances: guilt, shame, and worry. Let’s focus on Shame and Worry (As Guilt is justified and there is value in reflecting on that now). Shame is an emotion all humans will go to incredible amounts to avoid. Worry comes up regarding fear of change or the unknown, or worry of not knowing the other side of what we have become used to. Both often result in avoiding. These emotions are a block that happen in everyday home life for people: avoiding leaving that job they dislike, avoiding opening mail, or not asking for a food order to be changed! I think we can all find empathy for those fears- I have had that stack of mail and I have avoided conversations because I was worried I would say something offensive or I was wrong. Shame hurts - right there in the gut. It ESPECIALLY hurts when you have shame regarding an interaction with another person. Goodness I can feel it now, just recalling the times I have been in a situation regarding race and I reacted in a way that was defensive. There is fear of feeling that shame because of that pain. Here’s the thing… that pain will never amount to the generational pain, brutality of slavery and world systemic harm; however, that experience of pain and that experience of fear of change and fear of being wrong is a huge block for people in their anti-racism for listening and understanding.
It is time for us to expose ourselves to shame and ease the worry. To generalize our listening skills into the context of racism discussions. I am definitely not wanting to cater to the fragility, I am asking us to work better with it. I want those ready to feel the guilt, shame and worry, and learn from it to motivate change. I’m thrilled to assure everyone that the pain of shame passes and there is actually a feeling of resolution on the other end!
Those of us who are promoting an increase in education for what we notice as thoughts based in racism or privilege- I’m calling for you to share your experience of instances of learning, and also educating others on ways of overcome the shame and continuing the work – not stopping or retracting because of the pain but CONTINUING THE WORK. Let’s give those who are stepping into the challenge of anti-racism thought reform some hope and guidance for the processing of these emotions. Can we also be vulnerable and step into these emotions of our past and our own process? Each white skinned individual passing along information
has not always had their present level of anti-racism knowledge, and we are still learning. This is our opportunity to demonstrate that despite continuing to have these emotions, we continue to do more of our own research. (Shout out, eternal gratitude, and respect for the BIPOC teachers/writers/historians/influencers/journalist etc who have provided the education and resources.)
We need to normalize the experience of pain and the shame that comes up with the “opps!” and the “oh shit, I have done that *face palm* ” and the “I never noticed…”, to increase willingness and encourage the process of learning from it. #theshameifelt #listeningaboutracism
Some more tangible examples: I have a memory of a car accident where I now notice I benefited because of my white skin. When I remember this, my actions to process shame are: Pay attention and notice the emotion, state to myself that I am glad I see it now, and conclude with vowing to check in on possible results of privilege if I have another similar incident.– or - Sometimes I might pair something soothing while reading/listening to an anti- racism book/podcast such as going for a walk or light candles. The intention is not to soothe away the emotions, yet creating a space for myself to process and be open to the emotions. - Also- When I was running and saw a black man dancing on the sidewalk at the bus stop, I checked in with what was my first thought was, I then began peeling away and challenging any assumptions.
As I write this, I am noticing the worry that I am unaware of something I have spoken about regarding racism, that there may be misinterpretations of my intentions that occur because of the cultural messages I spoke of. I am also worried that white privilege will take this message and flip it into glorifying and highlighting themselves. I am labeling that worry, noticing it is in my gut – yep that’s my fear response I have, there it is - and taking a deep breathe in and out to calm myself, opening my heart for the feedback with willing hands, radical acceptance that I do and have engaged in racism without conscious intention, encouraging myself that I can work through it if something comes up for me to correct, and that I rather have this process than denial. If I have shame with the correction, I will also label it – there you are shame, ugh!, its up my spine and in my red face, yep I dislike this feeling- I will do opposite action to the shame as I will thank them for bringing this into my attention and into my understanding, along with validating to myself that I am growing and healing generations of messages. The worry is still there, yet if you are reading this… I obviously posted it and I am ready to talk about #theshameifelt and #listeningaboutracism.
